I posted this yesterday on our family blog I feel much better today and a little guilty for being so harsh yesterday however I feel that the only way for me to cope with this situation is to be completely honest in my writings and not carry all the burden around with me so here it is
Every Single Day
Ok so this is not going to be the most uplifting post but I need to vent out some of what I am feeling in a way that won't make others feel bad (mainly my hubby and sister I always feel like I unload all of lifes burdens on them and I am sure they need breaks from me). I titled this post every single day because... every single day I wonder if we made the right decisions for Blaze. Every Single day I wonder what it would be like to still be pregnant, what would it be like to still be in the hospital, what would it be like to still have our little boy in the hospital, how big would he be now? Every single day I wonder what it would be like to hold our little boy in my arms and rock him to sleep or feed him or give him kisses. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!
This morning on the way to work I was thinking about our last day with Blaze and how my brothers took all day to get to Primarys so we could give Blaze a name and a blessing I was thinking about everyone being a little impatient with them being late but today I am grateful that they took their time so I had that much more time to spend with Blaze in this life. I constantly think about and hope we made the right decisions for him. I can't think about that day without tearing up and my heart wanting to burst it is a harsh reality that I wish was just a dreamI always loved the saying and picture of the Savior that says "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it" but now I wonder what is worth it?
Everyday I feel like I am living through some kind of HELL and torment with all the exspectant mothers who have no idea the miracle it really is to have a healthy baby. I have such a hard time... I don't dare say as to I don't want to offend but the purpose of this venting is to get it all out in the open. I have such a hard time being around moms with healthy children wishing they just had time to themselves again and soon to be moms who seem to have no complications at all other than morning sickness I would give ANYTHING to be that kind of sick to have Blaze back and to be pregnant anxiously awaiting his birth to bring him home healthy!
So EVERY SINGLE DAY I will try to make it thru the HELL this life has become for me. Some days are good today is not one of those days but hopefully tomorrow will be
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Hi sweetie - I meant every word I wrote on your other blog. I hope today brings a small smile to your beautiful face and brings you a little closer to acceptance and true appreciation and love for the heartbreaking challenge that you and Ray have gone through. You were asked because you are special. You accepted because you are special. You received because you are special and because Blaze is special. Now being the special person you are, especially in our Father's eyes, let him now do his work in helping you for the sacrifice you and Ray have made. Much luv every minute.
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