Emotional Train....

Since we passed Blazes due date my emotions have been much more under control... I guess that is a way to describe it but I don't particularly love controlling emotions. I am a firm believer that you have emotions for a reason and they should not be suppressed or smothered. I think it will only come back later to be much worse. (that was just a side note) and perhaps that is why I am struggling so much, I need help I am just afraid to get it....
So for about 5 days now my emotions seem to be out of control. I feel so frustrated most of the time, easily irritated, and like the tears are constantly on the surface. I've heard that you can be in different stages of the grief process at the same time. My good friend Kayla sent me a poster of the grief process and I can see in some ways I am still at the beginning and in others I am at the end its just the emotions that are hard. I am trying to be happee and to move forward the best I know how... some days come easier than others. I basically feel like an emotional freight train speeding down the track hoping not to hit a turn and be derailed. I am so grateful for Ray he sticks by me even with my emotions being so insane.
Blaze I miss you every single day! The more time goes by the harder I seem to fight to keep the memory of you from fading. I wish I would have taken more pictures of you, your perfect face, your tiny hands, and tiny feet. I want you to know that I love you and am so grateful to be your Mommy!
Emotions are a good thing I think it shows that you Love and you care.
so for now I want Blaze and Ray to know how grateful I am to have them in my life I could not make it without either one! I am grateful to be a Wife and a Mom and to give Love and to receive Love.

Balloons for my Baby

I've posted a bit on our blog about releasing balloons for Blaze on Saturday but on a more personal note I would like to express some of what releasing the ballons meant for me. In the picture above what you can't see are the tears and heartache of standing at our little boys graveside on the day he was due... I stood there for what seemed like a very long time just stroking the ribbons tied to the balloons and crying. Ray stood by me and we both shared sacred and touching moments as we wondered what it would be like to not have had this experience and to be having a healthy little baby to bring home.

I think part of me is beginning to understand a bit of this experience was to help me rely more fully upon Heavenly Father and to have a much much deeper appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that he is the ONLY way I can make it thru this. I have felt the saving power of the atonement many times thru this experience in a way I have may never understood without it.

As I stroked the strings on the balloons I prayed for the strength to let them go and to let go of all the anger and hurt, I think I was more scared of handing that over than anything else. I also prayed that in some way these balloons might reach heaven... that our little boy might get the kisses and love we were sending! I think for me releasing the balloons was a way of reaching Heaven but not being physically able to do so... so I am grated for balloons and and for Gods love.

So to my little Angel I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!

I hope you got Mommys Kisses and Daddys Love!