Letter to Blaze

This is the letter I wrote and read to Blaze the day of his services... still how I feel

Dear Blaze,
I've waited my entire life to meet you. I want you to know how grateful I am you came to our family. The last few weeks have completely changed your dad and I we are different now than we were then. You have shown or given I should say us a whole new level of love. The first time I saw you I knew I would never be the same. We didn't have you name picked out as you came so soon but after meeting you & having your sweet nurses ask us what your name was they loved the name Blaze and said it sounded like a superhero. So we decided to name you Blaze because you are our little hero and Lyle is your middle name because your Great Grandpa is a hero like you.
As we watched your little body struggle & fight each day we wished we could take your pain away. If I would have known your stay on earth would not be very long I never would have left your side. I just keep thinking about you being life flighted and how hard it was on you please know we tried our very best to do all we could do. I'm sorry for all you had to go thru. Each life you've touched in just one week shows us a glimpse of just how special you are. We are all different people because of you and because of your giant spirit!
You body was the smallest thing I have ever seen, perfect in every way. I will never forget your tiny little fingers that held ours so tight. Your perfect little face with your daddys nose. Your perfect feet and perfect toes. The first time I held you in my arms was the greatest moment of my life the hours we spent holding you were among some of the most precious and sacred cherished moments of my life.
I don't know what to say in just a few minutes that I wish I had a life time to teach. My heart is broken into what seems like a million pieces the physical pain is at times more than I feel I can bear. The only comfort I find is in your spirit. There are so many things I wish I could tell you my heart longs to be by your side, watching you in your bed and most of all holding you in my arms telling you it will all be ok.
Your Daddy gave me a blessing just before you were born in the blessing I was told this is all a part of Gods plan and to "Be still and know that God" I have heard this phrase several times over the last few days & want you to know that I am trying to do just that. I am trying as my faith is tested so strongly to put my trust in him to understand the atonement more fully and to know that this is all in his plan. I don't understand it now but hope that one day soon we will.

So perhaps the greatest thing I can tell you is I love you! I always have and I always will! Thank You for coming to our family Blaze. Thank You for helping me to remember what is important in this life and Thank You for allowing us the opportunity to know you and to love you. I can hardly wait for eternity! We hope you'll be close in quite moments and those of need. We miss you and we Love you!

I Love You peanut!

Love Mommy

I've been thinking for days that I need to share the talk I gave at Blazes service but I forgot to grab it this morning so I wanted to share a poem my Dad wrote for Blaze. He also wrote one for Malia which I will let Ash post. He is so talented and so close to the spirit we are grateful for his kind words and reassurances that everything is going to work out.

A Poem from Blaze
On May 14th 2009 I came along
To the best parents a person could belong

My Mom was Janet and my Dad was Ray
I came to earth but it wasn't a very long stay

Mom and Dad I want you to know
I watched you, as you loved me so

I was just a little fellow as you could tell
But I felt like I was special and you treated me so well

I am here the Angels and my family above
You know that I am surrounded up here by their love

You are special and I want you to know I felt how much you cared
I love you very much, thank you for the short time we shared

I had many people who showed me they cared
Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and more with the love they shared

So please as you remember me don't forget how I am blessed
With family who loves me and let us remember I think they are the best

So as you look up to the heavens and wonder what I am doing
Just remember I am looking down on all the things you are persuing

I love you for the people you are
I am watching and waiting for you but not very far

So if there is anything I can say or wish for today
Please Mom and Dad Please remember the way you felt when I came your way

There is a place in my heart and a place in my soul
I will always be grateful you made me your goal!

Now there is just one more very important thing
I honestly, and truely love you Blaze Lyle King.

By Val D. Nessen (Grandpa)

Every Single Day

I posted this yesterday on our family blog I feel much better today and a little guilty for being so harsh yesterday however I feel that the only way for me to cope with this situation is to be completely honest in my writings and not carry all the burden around with me so here it is

Every Single Day
Ok so this is not going to be the most uplifting post but I need to vent out some of what I am feeling in a way that won't make others feel bad (mainly my hubby and sister I always feel like I unload all of lifes burdens on them and I am sure they need breaks from me). I titled this post every single day because... every single day I wonder if we made the right decisions for Blaze. Every Single day I wonder what it would be like to still be pregnant, what would it be like to still be in the hospital, what would it be like to still have our little boy in the hospital, how big would he be now? Every single day I wonder what it would be like to hold our little boy in my arms and rock him to sleep or feed him or give him kisses. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!
This morning on the way to work I was thinking about our last day with Blaze and how my brothers took all day to get to Primarys so we could give Blaze a name and a blessing I was thinking about everyone being a little impatient with them being late but today I am grateful that they took their time so I had that much more time to spend with Blaze in this life. I constantly think about and hope we made the right decisions for him. I can't think about that day without tearing up and my heart wanting to burst it is a harsh reality that I wish was just a dreamI always loved the saying and picture of the Savior that says "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it" but now I wonder what is worth it?
Everyday I feel like I am living through some kind of HELL and torment with all the exspectant mothers who have no idea the miracle it really is to have a healthy baby. I have such a hard time... I don't dare say as to I don't want to offend but the purpose of this venting is to get it all out in the open. I have such a hard time being around moms with healthy children wishing they just had time to themselves again and soon to be moms who seem to have no complications at all other than morning sickness I would give ANYTHING to be that kind of sick to have Blaze back and to be pregnant anxiously awaiting his birth to bring him home healthy!
So EVERY SINGLE DAY I will try to make it thru the HELL this life has become for me. Some days are good today is not one of those days but hopefully tomorrow will be