Puppies in Heaven

Ashleigh has had a big week at her house.... Cinnamon (her dog) and Dexter (our dog) had their first litter of puppies. 4 of them on Tuesday! The kids love them already and they have all been named. Spike, Rebel, Jello and Peanut. Below is Peanut... he was the runt of the bunch and too small and weak to make it thru his first day :(
Ashleigh called me on Wednesday not knowing what to do... we were both heart broken for poor Cinnamon she was so worried about little peanut but couldn't do anything for him. As I was on the phone with her we were both so sad at this little puppy we already loved so much that wasn't meant to stay. I got off the phone with her so they could do a little burial for Peanut. I was telling Ray how sad I felt for Cinnamon and that Ash and I both know what its like to feel so helpless as a mother and despite all our efforts our babies we'ren't ment to stay. Just then Ash sent me a text saying "I guess now Malia & Blaze have a puppy to play with" I burst into tears and called her so sad to loose a baby no matter if you're a human or an animal we certainly miss little peanut.
Our babies no doubt are loving their new little puppy peanut and we're glad they have a little puppy to love! We love You Malia & Blaze!!

Here's to our babies!

One of us has a 6 year old... one of us has a 1 year old- different ages, but share that same loss. It is always hard to celebrate memorial day when you have someone to actually visit, but can't really enjoy too much of the visit. It was bittersweet to go see blaze's headstone. Part of me was relieved that he finally had one, and the other part of me realized the reality of it, and brought back a whole load of emotions when we received malias. you always dream of buying your kids clothes, books, shoes, whatever makes them happy, but never did I think I would be purchasing a headstone at 20 years old for my baby- let alone 2 next to her so that we could all be together. This memorial day was differnt though- Instead of just visiting malia's- we went to blazes also and thought of where life has taken our family over these last few years. It has been a rollercoater ride sometimes, but a blessing most of the time- It is hard on somedays, but the reality of it gets a little easier as I talk about it to others. I wish sometimes death before the age of 90 wasn't an option or atleast every baby should get to live until they are grown, but since I don't make the rules I guess I should try to make the best out of the situation I am given. I love her as much today as always- and will continue to be grateful that a day is set aside to remember the loved ones we have lost- And especially be thankful that those loved ones are not alone-

Easter and Making a Difference in May

I am so far behind in posting these pics but we took Blaze and Easter basket... the first time we had been to his grave since Christmas... My sweet parents and Uncle Kirk have been checking in taking Balloons and flowers in our absence we are SOOO Grateful for wonderful family who loves our little boy like we do! So here are some pics from Easter we took him a little Easter basket and ducky... we love duckies and are pretty sure he would too :)

Wonderful Ray he is such a good Dad! I am so blessed to have 2 wonderful boys in my life!

I'm not sure what my face is doing I don't really love taking pictures at Blazes

grave its not very easy WE MISS HIM SO MUCH!

Blazes cute little ducky and basket... we filled the eggs with rocks to weigh them down. A darling little duck for our angel. We LOVE YOU BABY!

We are grateful for Easter and the celebration of the resurrection of our Savior knowing our little Angel is with him and we will be reunited with Blaze again.

May 14th will be Blazes first birthday we can't believe it has been nearly a year... our hearts are full of emotion in deciding how to best celebrate our little angels life. We have decided to call it Make a difference in May. We want to honor those who have made a difference in our lives and changed us for the better. Because of Blaze we are different people than we were a year ago... we have cried more, loved more, and lived with more gratitude for what we have and those we have in our lives.

As a way to honor Blaze we want to make a difference in others lives this month especially. Also to honor our little boy we would like to invite you to reach out to those around you those you know and those you may not... watch for others in need and be willing to help them in small ways or big ones. We would love for you to share with us what you have done to bless others or what others have done to bless you. How has it made a difference in your life?

We are all in this thing we call life together and one hand helping another can take us a long way. We have been so blessed to feel the love of so many those we know and those we have never met thank you for praying for and for blessing our little family especially this last year. We are grateful for you! Help us in paying it forward to make this world better as an honor to our angels Maleah and Blaze. Because of them we believe in something greater and blessing others as we have been blessed. WE LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for helping us make a difference and sharing it with us!

As a man once said for a small act of service to us " God Bless You" and my response to my wonderful husband was "I know he will, he already has" I feel the same as we serve God will bless us... he already has :) Bless You!

Does it ever go away??

Ok so this cute nurse that I work with asked me yesterday about Malia, and asked what she could do for her sweet sister-in-law who unfortunately is pregnant with the same thing that went wrong with Malia, and asked what she could do- My heart just goes out to her- It is such a long, hard battle to fight to have a child that you know could or possibly is going to die. Malia had anancephaly- which I didn't know what it was until I have now taken some nursing classes, and realized from some examples that that is what she had. I know the doctors told me repeatedly, but I just didn't seem to care what it was called, I just heard that your baby will most likely die or atleast not live for long. My heart just hoped they were wrong and it would be in heavenly fathers hands to make that decision. Well they were right and God made the decision that was hard for us and best for her. So this post is for all those mommy's (and daddy's) that have to face death of a child, or have already. When nicole was asking about Malia- I was ok to talk about it, since is is 6 years later, but in those quiet moments I realize how much we cried, suffered, questioned everything from doctors to faith. So to this sweet mom who is dealing with this my heart does go out to you! Please know that what lies ahead will be hard whatever the outcome, but you are not alone- and you will someday look back and realize you did it, and you have such a strong heart that your not even probably aware of yet- I truely believe that our heavenly father gives those -who go through whatever trial they are dealt- a little stronger hearts to withstand the battles and struggles we are given. and especially those who have to see a child struggle or one who has to see a child die- I pray for those families often who have to struggle with health issues of a precious child- Who will never see there child run and play, or be able to do all the childlike things that they do, or to even have the chance to see their child out of an incubator- Please know that you are strong! you are amazing, and you can do it- I can only say that now looking back, but I am happy to be able to say that we have a sweet angel who is always with us, and especially in those queit moments.- Enjoy those moments!

Missing You

My heart is overwhelmed today... the truth of the matter is most days I don't want to get out of bed I miss Blaze so much! Every night I lay in bed and think about the events of our pregnancy, the hospital, only being able to touch our one pound little boy thru an incubator or hold our hold his tiny little body for a few hours before he passed from this life... I relive each week of pregnancy what I was doing last year at this time and how things might be different for our little family. The truth is I am having a really hard time today. It seems everywhere I look there are pregnant women or new mothers and I find myself constantly thinking... if only they knew what a miracle both sides are... to be pregnant and to deliver a healthy child full term. I would give ANYTHING to have Blaze here and we would give ANYTHING to be pregnant so easily without thousands of dollars hoping each procedure works and test after test some painful, some embarrassing, some just heart wrenching hoping this month will be the one that we can add to our family.
The whole point of this post... to get a few things off my chest. But mostly to tell my little boy I am trying... I am trying to be a good Mom from this side of the veil. I have to remind myself that I am a Mom I just don't get to hold my little one and do all the things that Moms take for granted that being said I am still a Mom and today I miss my little angel so much!
So to Blaze I miss you more than ever and I Love You with my whole heart!!