Puppies in Heaven

Ashleigh has had a big week at her house.... Cinnamon (her dog) and Dexter (our dog) had their first litter of puppies. 4 of them on Tuesday! The kids love them already and they have all been named. Spike, Rebel, Jello and Peanut. Below is Peanut... he was the runt of the bunch and too small and weak to make it thru his first day :(
Ashleigh called me on Wednesday not knowing what to do... we were both heart broken for poor Cinnamon she was so worried about little peanut but couldn't do anything for him. As I was on the phone with her we were both so sad at this little puppy we already loved so much that wasn't meant to stay. I got off the phone with her so they could do a little burial for Peanut. I was telling Ray how sad I felt for Cinnamon and that Ash and I both know what its like to feel so helpless as a mother and despite all our efforts our babies we'ren't ment to stay. Just then Ash sent me a text saying "I guess now Malia & Blaze have a puppy to play with" I burst into tears and called her so sad to loose a baby no matter if you're a human or an animal we certainly miss little peanut.
Our babies no doubt are loving their new little puppy peanut and we're glad they have a little puppy to love! We love You Malia & Blaze!!

Here's to our babies!

One of us has a 6 year old... one of us has a 1 year old- different ages, but share that same loss. It is always hard to celebrate memorial day when you have someone to actually visit, but can't really enjoy too much of the visit. It was bittersweet to go see blaze's headstone. Part of me was relieved that he finally had one, and the other part of me realized the reality of it, and brought back a whole load of emotions when we received malias. you always dream of buying your kids clothes, books, shoes, whatever makes them happy, but never did I think I would be purchasing a headstone at 20 years old for my baby- let alone 2 next to her so that we could all be together. This memorial day was differnt though- Instead of just visiting malia's- we went to blazes also and thought of where life has taken our family over these last few years. It has been a rollercoater ride sometimes, but a blessing most of the time- It is hard on somedays, but the reality of it gets a little easier as I talk about it to others. I wish sometimes death before the age of 90 wasn't an option or atleast every baby should get to live until they are grown, but since I don't make the rules I guess I should try to make the best out of the situation I am given. I love her as much today as always- and will continue to be grateful that a day is set aside to remember the loved ones we have lost- And especially be thankful that those loved ones are not alone-

Easter and Making a Difference in May

I am so far behind in posting these pics but we took Blaze and Easter basket... the first time we had been to his grave since Christmas... My sweet parents and Uncle Kirk have been checking in taking Balloons and flowers in our absence we are SOOO Grateful for wonderful family who loves our little boy like we do! So here are some pics from Easter we took him a little Easter basket and ducky... we love duckies and are pretty sure he would too :)

Wonderful Ray he is such a good Dad! I am so blessed to have 2 wonderful boys in my life!

I'm not sure what my face is doing I don't really love taking pictures at Blazes

grave its not very easy WE MISS HIM SO MUCH!

Blazes cute little ducky and basket... we filled the eggs with rocks to weigh them down. A darling little duck for our angel. We LOVE YOU BABY!

We are grateful for Easter and the celebration of the resurrection of our Savior knowing our little Angel is with him and we will be reunited with Blaze again.

May 14th will be Blazes first birthday we can't believe it has been nearly a year... our hearts are full of emotion in deciding how to best celebrate our little angels life. We have decided to call it Make a difference in May. We want to honor those who have made a difference in our lives and changed us for the better. Because of Blaze we are different people than we were a year ago... we have cried more, loved more, and lived with more gratitude for what we have and those we have in our lives.

As a way to honor Blaze we want to make a difference in others lives this month especially. Also to honor our little boy we would like to invite you to reach out to those around you those you know and those you may not... watch for others in need and be willing to help them in small ways or big ones. We would love for you to share with us what you have done to bless others or what others have done to bless you. How has it made a difference in your life?

We are all in this thing we call life together and one hand helping another can take us a long way. We have been so blessed to feel the love of so many those we know and those we have never met thank you for praying for and for blessing our little family especially this last year. We are grateful for you! Help us in paying it forward to make this world better as an honor to our angels Maleah and Blaze. Because of them we believe in something greater and blessing others as we have been blessed. WE LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for helping us make a difference and sharing it with us!

As a man once said for a small act of service to us " God Bless You" and my response to my wonderful husband was "I know he will, he already has" I feel the same as we serve God will bless us... he already has :) Bless You!

Does it ever go away??

Ok so this cute nurse that I work with asked me yesterday about Malia, and asked what she could do for her sweet sister-in-law who unfortunately is pregnant with the same thing that went wrong with Malia, and asked what she could do- My heart just goes out to her- It is such a long, hard battle to fight to have a child that you know could or possibly is going to die. Malia had anancephaly- which I didn't know what it was until I have now taken some nursing classes, and realized from some examples that that is what she had. I know the doctors told me repeatedly, but I just didn't seem to care what it was called, I just heard that your baby will most likely die or atleast not live for long. My heart just hoped they were wrong and it would be in heavenly fathers hands to make that decision. Well they were right and God made the decision that was hard for us and best for her. So this post is for all those mommy's (and daddy's) that have to face death of a child, or have already. When nicole was asking about Malia- I was ok to talk about it, since is is 6 years later, but in those quiet moments I realize how much we cried, suffered, questioned everything from doctors to faith. So to this sweet mom who is dealing with this my heart does go out to you! Please know that what lies ahead will be hard whatever the outcome, but you are not alone- and you will someday look back and realize you did it, and you have such a strong heart that your not even probably aware of yet- I truely believe that our heavenly father gives those -who go through whatever trial they are dealt- a little stronger hearts to withstand the battles and struggles we are given. and especially those who have to see a child struggle or one who has to see a child die- I pray for those families often who have to struggle with health issues of a precious child- Who will never see there child run and play, or be able to do all the childlike things that they do, or to even have the chance to see their child out of an incubator- Please know that you are strong! you are amazing, and you can do it- I can only say that now looking back, but I am happy to be able to say that we have a sweet angel who is always with us, and especially in those queit moments.- Enjoy those moments!

Missing You

My heart is overwhelmed today... the truth of the matter is most days I don't want to get out of bed I miss Blaze so much! Every night I lay in bed and think about the events of our pregnancy, the hospital, only being able to touch our one pound little boy thru an incubator or hold our hold his tiny little body for a few hours before he passed from this life... I relive each week of pregnancy what I was doing last year at this time and how things might be different for our little family. The truth is I am having a really hard time today. It seems everywhere I look there are pregnant women or new mothers and I find myself constantly thinking... if only they knew what a miracle both sides are... to be pregnant and to deliver a healthy child full term. I would give ANYTHING to have Blaze here and we would give ANYTHING to be pregnant so easily without thousands of dollars hoping each procedure works and test after test some painful, some embarrassing, some just heart wrenching hoping this month will be the one that we can add to our family.
The whole point of this post... to get a few things off my chest. But mostly to tell my little boy I am trying... I am trying to be a good Mom from this side of the veil. I have to remind myself that I am a Mom I just don't get to hold my little one and do all the things that Moms take for granted that being said I am still a Mom and today I miss my little angel so much!
So to Blaze I miss you more than ever and I Love You with my whole heart!!

Happy 6th birthday Malia!

Ok so yesterday was Malia's 6th birthday- It has always been a little rough on the day of her birth, but we always try to include the kids and get some fun balloons. It is hard to believe it has been 6 years, but I am so thankful for every one of them. I must say it is a little easier the more we celebrate, and it is crazy to think we could have a 6 year old with us right now. We miss her daily and forever will, but am glad to have the faith and knowledge of the plan of salvation. It is always nice to sing happy birthday to her as a family, and one of these years I will make it through it with no tears- maybe- no promises! In 6 years we have done a lot of things as a family, and grew a lot in faith from this experience but I love being able to teach my kids about her and talk about her like she is always be with us- We love her and miss her daily- So happy birthday baby!

Finally writing!

Ok so I know this blog is suppost to be me and my sisters, but I am not so good at writing- Well today is the day. It has been 6 years since we buried our little girl. I was 6 months pregnant with her and to make a very long story short, My water broke and she didn't quite make it. It was for sure the hardest day and has been still of my life. I relive it quite often and think of her daily. We have found joy in teaching our kids about her though and visiting her grave. She was only 11 oz, and about 7 inches long. She was so small but filled the room with her spirit, and still fills our hearts. I remember that day like it was yesterday, and it was very hard to have had her and to know that there was nothing else we could have done or the doctors, and to just hold her little lifeless body for the entire day. We had her at 8:30 am and did not give her back to the nurses until 10 pm. I know that a lot of people would choose to live there wedding days over, and that is the day in my life I would live over. It was the hardest, most emotionally draining day I have ever had, but I would love just one more day with her. Her spirit in the room was amazing. I know we just held her in the bed and balled histerically for hours, but her spirit was overwhelming, and we very much could fill her in the room with us. For the last 6 years our family has definetly grew and changed and life has for sure gotten busier, but regardless of where life takes us- she will always be in our hearts and home. It is a little harder this time of year cause her birthday is in december, but we always get through it. I know me and my sister experienced very similar stories. We lost our kids just a week apart. I was only 1 week farther along than her when I delivered. I always wondered why I had to go through this first in my family. Why I had to be the one to had to bury a child, to love and loose, and to fill like the only ones existing were me and mike, and to not want to exist anymore. I never knew that at 20 years old I would have to pay for burial plots, and plan funerals, but now 6 years later- I know why- I know it happened to me first so that I could help other especially Janet go on every day knowing you will somehow get through it, and hoping your sleep is a little longer that night so that tomorrow will come later than you want or than your ready for. It is the hardest thing ever to bury a child, but I know now that atleast I have something to die for! We love ya babe!!!

Emotional Train....

Since we passed Blazes due date my emotions have been much more under control... I guess that is a way to describe it but I don't particularly love controlling emotions. I am a firm believer that you have emotions for a reason and they should not be suppressed or smothered. I think it will only come back later to be much worse. (that was just a side note) and perhaps that is why I am struggling so much, I need help I am just afraid to get it....
So for about 5 days now my emotions seem to be out of control. I feel so frustrated most of the time, easily irritated, and like the tears are constantly on the surface. I've heard that you can be in different stages of the grief process at the same time. My good friend Kayla sent me a poster of the grief process and I can see in some ways I am still at the beginning and in others I am at the end its just the emotions that are hard. I am trying to be happee and to move forward the best I know how... some days come easier than others. I basically feel like an emotional freight train speeding down the track hoping not to hit a turn and be derailed. I am so grateful for Ray he sticks by me even with my emotions being so insane.
Blaze I miss you every single day! The more time goes by the harder I seem to fight to keep the memory of you from fading. I wish I would have taken more pictures of you, your perfect face, your tiny hands, and tiny feet. I want you to know that I love you and am so grateful to be your Mommy!
Emotions are a good thing I think it shows that you Love and you care.
so for now I want Blaze and Ray to know how grateful I am to have them in my life I could not make it without either one! I am grateful to be a Wife and a Mom and to give Love and to receive Love.

Balloons for my Baby

I've posted a bit on our blog about releasing balloons for Blaze on Saturday but on a more personal note I would like to express some of what releasing the ballons meant for me. In the picture above what you can't see are the tears and heartache of standing at our little boys graveside on the day he was due... I stood there for what seemed like a very long time just stroking the ribbons tied to the balloons and crying. Ray stood by me and we both shared sacred and touching moments as we wondered what it would be like to not have had this experience and to be having a healthy little baby to bring home.

I think part of me is beginning to understand a bit of this experience was to help me rely more fully upon Heavenly Father and to have a much much deeper appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that he is the ONLY way I can make it thru this. I have felt the saving power of the atonement many times thru this experience in a way I have may never understood without it.

As I stroked the strings on the balloons I prayed for the strength to let them go and to let go of all the anger and hurt, I think I was more scared of handing that over than anything else. I also prayed that in some way these balloons might reach heaven... that our little boy might get the kisses and love we were sending! I think for me releasing the balloons was a way of reaching Heaven but not being physically able to do so... so I am grated for balloons and and for Gods love.

So to my little Angel I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!

I hope you got Mommys Kisses and Daddys Love!

Share

It has been a week since we went to our first SHARE meeting... SHARE is a group of women who have lost their children and get together to help others make it thru this heart wrenching process. I have been struggling with serious depression and a lot of doubts and mixed feelings. August has been the hardest month yet knowing we should be just two weeks away from having Blaze... Anyway at the Share meeting there were 6 of us... 4 Women and 2 Men I was glad there was another Man there so Ray wasn't the only one.
The meeting was good everyone shared their stories and experiences of preterm labor, miscarriage, and complications in early pregnancy. The first few minutes I thought this is exactly what I need.... then about 10 minutes into it I though this is so depressing... What a heart breaking situation for all of us to have to meet each other this way. It made me grateful for a few things of all the parents there we were the ones to have our baby live the longest... It made me grateful that we got to have him for a week... I am grateful that he looked healthy and we were able to hold him for a few hours.
Life is harder than it has ever been, getting out of bed is a struggle everyday and not one moment ever goes by that I don't think about Blaze. What a miracle it is to have a full term pregnancy. One woman (the leader) Said she lost her first and miscarried her 2nd and her 3rd she delivered at 30 weeks... then finally on her 4th she carried full term. She said she was grateful for every stretch mark and uncomfortable moment because she understood the miracle of being able to carry full term. I hope I am like that if we get the chance to be parents again.. I want to enjoy every moment it takes to get a little miracle here healthy.
I am grateful for Share to know we are not the only ones going thru this awful experience I am so very sad that others have to endure it as well. I am grateful we are not alone but wish we were able to meet these amazing people in different circumstance. We will go again next week anything that can help we will try. I am grateful Ray is willing to go with me at this fragile point in our lives he really has been my Rock.

Letter to Blaze

This is the letter I wrote and read to Blaze the day of his services... still how I feel

Dear Blaze,
I've waited my entire life to meet you. I want you to know how grateful I am you came to our family. The last few weeks have completely changed your dad and I we are different now than we were then. You have shown or given I should say us a whole new level of love. The first time I saw you I knew I would never be the same. We didn't have you name picked out as you came so soon but after meeting you & having your sweet nurses ask us what your name was they loved the name Blaze and said it sounded like a superhero. So we decided to name you Blaze because you are our little hero and Lyle is your middle name because your Great Grandpa is a hero like you.
As we watched your little body struggle & fight each day we wished we could take your pain away. If I would have known your stay on earth would not be very long I never would have left your side. I just keep thinking about you being life flighted and how hard it was on you please know we tried our very best to do all we could do. I'm sorry for all you had to go thru. Each life you've touched in just one week shows us a glimpse of just how special you are. We are all different people because of you and because of your giant spirit!
You body was the smallest thing I have ever seen, perfect in every way. I will never forget your tiny little fingers that held ours so tight. Your perfect little face with your daddys nose. Your perfect feet and perfect toes. The first time I held you in my arms was the greatest moment of my life the hours we spent holding you were among some of the most precious and sacred cherished moments of my life.
I don't know what to say in just a few minutes that I wish I had a life time to teach. My heart is broken into what seems like a million pieces the physical pain is at times more than I feel I can bear. The only comfort I find is in your spirit. There are so many things I wish I could tell you my heart longs to be by your side, watching you in your bed and most of all holding you in my arms telling you it will all be ok.
Your Daddy gave me a blessing just before you were born in the blessing I was told this is all a part of Gods plan and to "Be still and know that God" I have heard this phrase several times over the last few days & want you to know that I am trying to do just that. I am trying as my faith is tested so strongly to put my trust in him to understand the atonement more fully and to know that this is all in his plan. I don't understand it now but hope that one day soon we will.

So perhaps the greatest thing I can tell you is I love you! I always have and I always will! Thank You for coming to our family Blaze. Thank You for helping me to remember what is important in this life and Thank You for allowing us the opportunity to know you and to love you. I can hardly wait for eternity! We hope you'll be close in quite moments and those of need. We miss you and we Love you!

I Love You peanut!

Love Mommy

I've been thinking for days that I need to share the talk I gave at Blazes service but I forgot to grab it this morning so I wanted to share a poem my Dad wrote for Blaze. He also wrote one for Malia which I will let Ash post. He is so talented and so close to the spirit we are grateful for his kind words and reassurances that everything is going to work out.

A Poem from Blaze
On May 14th 2009 I came along
To the best parents a person could belong

My Mom was Janet and my Dad was Ray
I came to earth but it wasn't a very long stay

Mom and Dad I want you to know
I watched you, as you loved me so

I was just a little fellow as you could tell
But I felt like I was special and you treated me so well

I am here the Angels and my family above
You know that I am surrounded up here by their love

You are special and I want you to know I felt how much you cared
I love you very much, thank you for the short time we shared

I had many people who showed me they cared
Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and more with the love they shared

So please as you remember me don't forget how I am blessed
With family who loves me and let us remember I think they are the best

So as you look up to the heavens and wonder what I am doing
Just remember I am looking down on all the things you are persuing

I love you for the people you are
I am watching and waiting for you but not very far

So if there is anything I can say or wish for today
Please Mom and Dad Please remember the way you felt when I came your way

There is a place in my heart and a place in my soul
I will always be grateful you made me your goal!

Now there is just one more very important thing
I honestly, and truely love you Blaze Lyle King.

By Val D. Nessen (Grandpa)

Every Single Day

I posted this yesterday on our family blog I feel much better today and a little guilty for being so harsh yesterday however I feel that the only way for me to cope with this situation is to be completely honest in my writings and not carry all the burden around with me so here it is

Every Single Day
Ok so this is not going to be the most uplifting post but I need to vent out some of what I am feeling in a way that won't make others feel bad (mainly my hubby and sister I always feel like I unload all of lifes burdens on them and I am sure they need breaks from me). I titled this post every single day because... every single day I wonder if we made the right decisions for Blaze. Every Single day I wonder what it would be like to still be pregnant, what would it be like to still be in the hospital, what would it be like to still have our little boy in the hospital, how big would he be now? Every single day I wonder what it would be like to hold our little boy in my arms and rock him to sleep or feed him or give him kisses. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!
This morning on the way to work I was thinking about our last day with Blaze and how my brothers took all day to get to Primarys so we could give Blaze a name and a blessing I was thinking about everyone being a little impatient with them being late but today I am grateful that they took their time so I had that much more time to spend with Blaze in this life. I constantly think about and hope we made the right decisions for him. I can't think about that day without tearing up and my heart wanting to burst it is a harsh reality that I wish was just a dreamI always loved the saying and picture of the Savior that says "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it" but now I wonder what is worth it?
Everyday I feel like I am living through some kind of HELL and torment with all the exspectant mothers who have no idea the miracle it really is to have a healthy baby. I have such a hard time... I don't dare say as to I don't want to offend but the purpose of this venting is to get it all out in the open. I have such a hard time being around moms with healthy children wishing they just had time to themselves again and soon to be moms who seem to have no complications at all other than morning sickness I would give ANYTHING to be that kind of sick to have Blaze back and to be pregnant anxiously awaiting his birth to bring him home healthy!
So EVERY SINGLE DAY I will try to make it thru the HELL this life has become for me. Some days are good today is not one of those days but hopefully tomorrow will be

Baby Blaze

Our Little Angel Blaze
Born: Thursday May 14th
1 lb 13 oz 13 inches
I will never forget his perfect face! He was perfect in every way! He is our Little HERO!

Blaze passed away Thursday May 21st. He only lived on this earth for one week. It is hard to understand why he had to come so soon and why he couldn't stay. Our hearts have been changed forever because of this little boy we love him and miss him more than most can understand and hope that our story can help others along this journey we call life. We LOVE YOU peanut and miss you every minute of everyday! Thank You for coming to our family and for being our Angel in this life!

Ok so me and my sister wanted to start a blog to help people out there that are dealing with the loss of a child. We just noticed all the comments and people who were so supportive in our times of trials, so to help others we wanted to tell our stories and help in any way possible. Also in days that we just need to write our feelings and thoughts then we have a good release. So thanks to all of you that follow our blog, and we hope it helps anyone in need.